Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest

It's always nice to know when the apocalypse is going down.  I  hate surprise doomsday scenarios that wait to jump out at you when your pants are around your ankles.  I mean, seriously, have you ever tried to run for your life like that?

Thanks to Shannon @ The Warrior Muse and Chuck at Apocalypse Now for hosting the Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest! What better way is there to celebrate the end of the Mayan calendar?  

1. Choose your apocalypse.

2. Sign up!

3. Tell us how you prepared for your survival amongst everyone else's demise.

4. Describe your apocalypse and how it's going down.

5. Make sure the badge is displayed on your blog.

6. Visit your fellow survivors and see how their world ended.

I'm writing mine as an article posted in a less-than-reputable publication.  You know the kind I mean.

Do You Want to Survive Armageddon?

For those of you out there who haven’t been gifted with my ability to see the future, I want to reassure you.  The world as we know it will certainly end this December 21^st, but it won’t end for everyone.  Those of you who heed my advice can look forward to greater things as a member of a significantly smaller human race.

There are a number of theories about how the world will end on this date, but only I know the truth.  I am sure many of you have heard the story about how the rogue planet Nibiru will swing around our local neighborhood and crash into Earth.  I can tell you unequivocally that this isn’t the case.  Nibiru will come, but it won’t hit us.  It’s simply going to tow Earth out of its orbit.

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick
 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

See, Nibiru is the cosmic equivalent of a tow truck, and it’s no coincidence that it’s heading our way.  Composed out of super dense matter, Nibiru has a sizable gravitational pull, and it’s strong enough to pull even a small star.  Nibiru is being driven through the universe by a spaceship filled with aliens called the Zyntar.  The Zyntar landed on Earth long ago, and they worked with the Mayan people to write their calendar.  It was intended as a countdown to their return, when they intended to relocate our world for their own purposes.

There is nothing we can do to stop them, and unfortunately for our species, being tugged into deep space will mean leaving our sun behind.  The world will freeze rather quickly after that.  Your only chance is to follow my instructions.  Send all of your worldly possessions to me, and I’ll seal them safely in an underground vault so the deep cold and cosmic radiation won’t damage them.  Once this is done, I’ll personally fit you with a tracking device.  The Zyntar promised to bring the believers who wear this device to live on their spaceship.  Once Earth has been parked in orbit around a new sun, you will be allowed to retrieve your items.

See how easy that is?  Call me at 1-800-438-2368 to sign up and schedule a time to drop off your valuables.  I’ll see you soon!