Memoirs From the End of the World: Entry #37

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Memoirs From the End of the World

Entry #37

The test was done.  The results stared RC in the face.  Though the test only confirmed what she suspected to be true, that didn’t make it any easier.

Her hands trembled as she attempted to go about her daily tasks.  Harrison discreetly brought RC a little extra food for lunch, but he warned her discretion could only go so far.  “I’ll give you some time to get used to this news,” he assured her, “but Brock will have to be told about this sooner or later.”

“I know.”  RC simply hoped that she could put off that conversation indefinitely.  Once the topic came up, she couldn’t begin to guess how Brock would react.  Maybe he wouldn’t want to have a squealing infant around.  The sound of a baby crying could attract all kinds of unwanted attention.  Or maybe it wouldn’t even go that far.  Maybe he’d decide that, due to a lack of medical resources on their end, it would be easier to drop her on the doorstep of the breeding facility.  She shuddered at the thought of living in a meat locker until she turned thirty, being passed around to whatever males the overlords felt were genetically compatible enough to produce superior offspring.  Having to hand over every child she ever had.  She’d do anything before facing that fate.  She felt certain of that.

Even so, the fear ate away at her, and she only had one person with whom she could share those fears without having to engage in awkward explanations.

Alyx listened to every word, and while he tried to maintain a calm expression, she could see the worry in his eyes.  “No matter what happens, I’ll make sure you don’t end up at the breeding facility.”  He looked around the room.  Most of the rebels were out on a mission to raid a warehouse filled with food.  Ollie had gone along with them.  Isabel was watching Peter and Sheera, though Sheera resented the idea that she needed to be watched.  “Maybe you don’t need to worry too much about Brock’s reaction.  He had no problem bringing them in.  Or us.”

RC sensed that Alyx wasn’t convinced by his own words, though he surely wished he could be.  There was a clear difference between bringing young teenagers in and RC’s situation.  Still, she didn’t say this aloud.  She wanted to wrap herself in the delusion that everything would inexplicably turn out all right, even though it couldn’t possibly last long.

Later on in the day, RC balanced Romero in her lap.  Though she trusted Alyx with her feelings, she needed to sort things out for herself first.  Perhaps writing her thoughts on paper would make things more clear.

Dear Romero,

More than anything, I wish I could talk to my mom right now.  Growing up, I trusted my older brother Pete with everything.  After all, he always looked out for me.  Still, I don’t think he’d understand this.  Not really.  Instead of comforting me, as if that were even possible anyway, he’d probably try to castrate the guy who did this to me.  I think my mom would have known a way to make it all feel better.

Of course, after Pete died, all the fight seemed to go out of her.  Maybe she wouldn’t have enough strength left in her to help me.  My grandmother would have though.  If the overlords had let her live, of course, she would have found a way to help me.  She was never the type to quit.

I want to be like that, but right now, I wish I could pull a blanket over my head and block out the world.  I wish I could go back to a time when life seemed to make sense.  To a time when I had a family, and I didn’t have to worry about whether I’d still have my freedom when I woke up the next morning.

Maybe that’s why I’m so worried now.  This might be the most disgusting way to end up having a family, but this child is going to be my family nonetheless.  I’m just hoping

RC paused, almost afraid to write the rest.  Did her lingering thoughts make her a bad person?

She shook her head.  Her thoughts certainly couldn’t make her any worse than Leo, or Gas Can, or any of the others.  Confident in that much at least, she put pencil to paper again.

that I don’t hate it.  Will I be able to look at its face without remembering where it came from?  Will I even be able to make it through this pregnancy without resenting it?

I won’t lie.  If I could go back in time right now and undo all of this, I would.  Yet here I am, living with a reality I cannot undo.  So, I can only hope that I’ll be able to look at my child and love him or her.  I hope I can look back on this one day and say I wouldn’t change it after all, because this is where I am now.

My life has changed forever.

She closed the journal and set it down beside her.  Alyx, who had kindly averted his eyes while she wrote to respect her privacy, wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  They sat in silence for a long time.

“What are you thinking about?” he finally asked.

RC bit her lower lip.  “I’m thinking that while we may be safe here for a while, we need to make it outside the city.  I can’t risk giving birth here.”

Go to Entry #38