Friday, December 21, 2012

Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest

It's always nice to know when the apocalypse is going down.  I  hate surprise doomsday scenarios that wait to jump out at you when your pants are around your ankles.  I mean, seriously, have you ever tried to run for your life like that?

Thanks to Shannon @ The Warrior Muse and Chuck at Apocalypse Now for hosting the Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest! What better way is there to celebrate the end of the Mayan calendar?  

1. Choose your apocalypse.
2. Sign up!
3. Tell us how you prepared for your survival amongst everyone else's demise.
4. Describe your apocalypse and how it's going down.
5. Make sure the badge is displayed on your blog.
6. Visit your fellow survivors and see how their world ended.

I'm writing mine as an article posted in a less-than-reputable publication.  You know the kind I mean.

Do You Want to Survive Armageddon?

For those of you out there who haven’t been gifted with my ability to see the future, I want to reassure you.  The world as we know it will certainly end this December 21st, but it won’t end for everyone.  Those of you who heed my advice can look forward to greater things as a member of a significantly smaller human race.

There are a number of theories about how the world will end on this date, but only I know the truth.  I am sure many of you have heard the story about how the rogue planet Nibiru will swing around our local neighborhood and crash into Earth.  I can tell you unequivocally that this isn’t the case.  Nibiru will come, but it won’t hit us.  It’s simply going to tow Earth out of its orbit.
Image courtesy of Victor Habbick

See, Nibiru is the cosmic equivalent of a tow truck, and it’s no coincidence that it’s heading our way.  Composed out of super dense matter, Nibiru has a sizable gravitational pull, and it’s strong enough to pull even a small star.  Nibiru is being driven through the universe by a spaceship filled with aliens called the Zyntar.  The Zyntar landed on Earth long ago, and they worked with the Mayan people to write their calendar.  It was intended as a countdown to their return, when they intended to relocate our world for their own purposes.

There is nothing we can do to stop them, and unfortunately for our species, being tugged into deep space will mean leaving our sun behind.  The world will freeze rather quickly after that.  Your only chance is to follow my instructions.  Send all of your worldly possessions to me, and I’ll seal them safely in an underground vault so the deep cold and cosmic radiation won’t damage them.  Once this is done, I’ll personally fit you with a tracking device.  The Zyntar promised to bring the believers who wear this device to live on their spaceship.  Once Earth has been parked in orbit around a new sun, you will be allowed to retrieve your items.

See how easy that is?  Call me at 1-800-438-2368 to sign up and schedule a time to drop off your valuables.  I’ll see you soon!


  1. Do the ZynIf have dragon food? If so I'll go, if not, then I'll pass to the buffet.

  2. That is hilarious! I wonder how many people would buy into that?

  3. Awesome post. I think the only world that will end today is that of those who have used this date as a selling point for books and survival gimmicks. They have to find something new to doom about and they better do it soon if they intend to keep a steady income. :)

  4. You've got me convinced -- I'll be in touch!

  5. the phone should be ringing... nice eye!

    Did we make it?
    My link is dead, I ask again did we make it?
    [Visit my post for that to make sense]

    Great end of the world post!!
    Jeremy [Retro]
    Oh No, Let's Go... Crazy

  6. Oh gosh, I need to get on the phone! Will my tinfoil hat also help me or will it increase the gravitational pull on my head?

    Thank you for participating!

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

  7. I find if I put a large brown paper bag over my head the End of the World normally misses me. Its an old trick but works well most of the time. OK not in the queue at the supermarket while the masses are stocking up with Christmas.

  8. You're a very savvy lady. I loved this.

    What's your address? I'm heading out to UPS right now.

    Great work.

  9. Hahahahahahaha... Love it! The very very sad part is that, should you publish this, you might actually get calls :D

  10. I don't have much, as I already gave away all my worldly possessions during the last apocalypse, but I do still have a shopping cart full of cans and a winter coat with a few holes in it. Will that be enough?

  11. I tried to leave a message last night, but the voice mail was full :)

  12. Can't believe you have storage capacity to cope with my needs (am married to a hoarder who's the human equivalent of a squirrel!)

    Great post, btw! ;-)

    SueH (I Refuse To Go Quietly!)

  13. Nice up until the I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn! Here's my money though in case you have the inside info!!

    Thanks for participating and come and get your badge.


  14. LOL! That's taking scamming to a whole other level! :-)
    Some Dark Romantic