It's been an impossible year. It started when my mom died six days after the birth of my youngest son. It's killer going through that kind of loss when you're already dealing with the complications that come along with having a new baby. I got through that by clinging to the idea that I had to care for my children.
A couple of months later, my husband got sick and had to spend some time in the hospital. Since he wasn't yet a full time employee at his job, we had the possibility of him losing that job due to his illness hanging over our heads. Having just returned to work from maternity leave, we had no money to speak of. Luckily, his boss liked him, so he was able to stay at that job.
Money has always been a problem. Right now I'm raising my two children full time while trying to establish a writing career of some kind. Working full time had us paying more for child care than for rent. And as great as our child care provider was, I didn't want our kids spending 60 hours a week with someone else. We're still trying to figure out the right balance for our family.
There are days I feel like a complete failure. We don't have a lot to live on, and I feel like a lot of eyes are on me, judging my every move. I don't want to know what everyone else thinks of me and what I'm doing with my life right now. I doubt it would be productive.
I haven't reached a point of victory yet, but I certainly haven't surrendered. I can't surrender. Too many people depend on me, and my dream of being a published author are too big a part of me to ignore.
New follower and fellow Never Surrender blogfester waving to you. Thank you for sharing your touching story. I hope your dreams always give you the fire to stay on the path. As for dealing with the judging - people can't see you stick your tongue out at them once they turn away.
ReplyDeleteI can fully understand what you're going through, 14 yrs ago my first grandchild was born then 10 days later my mother passed suddenly away from a stroke. Having a loving husband to help me over my loss, or so I thought. Three days later he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and 2 months later he too was gone. I was devastated and lost, all the children had flown the nest and felt so negative.Years later I bought some self help books and once I accepted what fate had dealt me only then could I emerge from that dark tunnel and find a life, One never forgets but lives with it. Good Luck.
ReplyDeleteYvonne.
I'm so sorry for your loss, LG. I also fight the dual demons of discouragement and despair. It's bloody hard. Remembering that folks depend on me keeps me going, too. Knowing, also, that others have fought before me and conquered helps, a very little bit. Still, we've got to hold on and keep fighting the good fight. What else is there?
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the very best!
Some Dark Romantic
Good on you for not surrendering! This is a great entry for the blogfest. There are always going to be bad days - you just need to remember that there will be good days too, and things will get better :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong, and stay true to yourself! It doesn't matter what other people may or may not think about your choices, the only votes that count are those of your family.
ReplyDeleteI got on your blog, because I’m doing the blogfest and trying to go around and look at all the other blogfesters blogs. =) (Is that a word?) And I just wanted to say, I really like what you have to say on your little ‘about me’ blurb.
ReplyDelete~Aidyl
I can relate, sort of! A few years ago my boyfriend was going through chemo treatments and wasn't able to work. The social services field doesn't pay well, DUH!, so we were struggling with living expenses and medical bills on my salary. Things are a little better now but still very tight. Somehow it all seems to work out in the end
ReplyDeleteI sympathize with you. I'm staying home with our son because childcare is just too expensive. I want to be a published writer too, but it's difficult to get enough time. We have to watch our finances closely and we don't get to do very much at all, but our son is healthy and happy. I haven't surrendered either. Stay strong and never give up!
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard decision to stay home when money is an issue... even when there isn't much left after the child care bill is paid. Sounds like you made the right choice and good luck to you in making your way in the writing world!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been an awful time for you, but I love that you are staying strong and battling on!
ReplyDeleteI have been through some similar things as what you describe here. I understand how frustrating and worrysome it can be to live on hardly anything and struggling to get somewhere else. I know you can prevail!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
Thanks for participating in the blogfest!
Your in the middle of those same choices we've all been discussing in this blogfest. Keep going! It will all pay off someday! :)
ReplyDelete