It's time for another Write . . . Edit . . . Publish Challenge! This month the theme is "Change of Heart." Denise Covey and Yolanda Renee have made this challenge possible, along with great work from Nilanjana Bose and Olga Godim. Unfortunately Yolanda has not been well as of late, and I'd like to wish her the best.
I decided to write a letter this time, and while it turned out a tad more sad than I'd originally planned, I hope you all enjoy reading it.
* * *
Dear
Tommy,
I’m
writing this with a heavy heart. The burden of regret is one of the worst
to bear, I think. I can’t help but look back at my past decisions and
wonder how my life might have been different. If I had accepted your
proposal and officially entwined my life with yours, I would undoubtedly be
somewhere else entirely. I keep thinking about that unknown place and
wondering if I would have found joy and comfort there.
I need to
say this. Keeping this truth hidden away inside has been tearing me
apart. I wanted to say yes. I wanted nothing more than to be your
partner in life. It’s a big commitment, but I longed to make it more than
anyone could ever know. I only turned you down because I was afraid.
I knew
you would never hurt me on purpose. I never once imagined you would cheat
on me or belittle me. That’s was never you, was it Tommy? When I
think of you, I remember you as the peacemaker. You’d rather say a kind
word than escalate an argument. You’d rather talk through a problem than
shout about it. It took me a little while to get used to this. My
home growing up was anything but tranquil. In time I came to love your
gentle nature, and I wanted to live that life you offered to share with me.
No, you
never would have harmed me intentionally, but there was one way you were going
to inevitably break my heart. You were going to die, and while death
inevitably parts all lovers, they generally have the hope of spending many
happy decades together. That’s what I thought we might have when we first
fell in love. We both thought as much, didn’t we?
The
cancer diagnosis threw both of us for a loop. I’ll never forget the look
on your face when you told me the news. You sank to the ground,
devastation etched into every line of your face. The world was falling
apart around us both. It wasn’t just the word “cancer” that left us
reeling. That world alone is frightening enough. The words
“inoperable” and “terminal” were far worse. I think I could have dealt
with it all if there were better odds. I’d like to think I could have held
your hand through all the treatments if I had a possible future to focus on and
bolster me when the times got tough.
When you
asked me to marry you, I pictured what that would entail. Marrying you
would have meant standing by your side and watching you waste away. The
prospect of watching you die slowly and in agony scared me more than anything
ever had before. At that time in my life, I didn’t think I could face
it. I couldn’t imagine that I might have that kind of strength inside of
me.
This sounds
like a weak excuse. You didn’t have a choice in whether you faced this
reality, did you? The only choice you had the freedom to make was how you
coped with this. And you tried to make the best of it. You chose to
embrace the love you had and focus on the positive things the world still had
to offer you. You asked me to become your wife and make your last days
that much brighter.
To this
day, I don’t know how I managed to stand there and say no with such
calm. I didn’t even avert my eyes. I was too stunned by the gravity
of it all and the finality of my decision.
You were
hurt, but you still looked me in the eye and told me you understood, that you
couldn’t blame me for my choice. I saw how much you wanted to mean it, and
maybe you even did mean it a little. The pain I inflicted on you with my
rejection likely wouldn’t allow you to forgive me completely in that moment,
and I can’t blame you for that. As wonderful as you always were, you were still
a human man with human emotions. You had every reason to resent me for
walking away. I know I do.
My change
of heart came too late, and my pain is of my own making. I should have
taken that risk. I see now that I lost you the moment I said no, and it
took your death for me to confront that fact. It aches to know that you
are no longer part of this world, and I wonder how you felt about me after I
walked out of your life. If I had come back and begged for forgiveness,
would you have even wanted me there? I guess I’ll never know the answer.
Here I
am, reading this in front of the black marble gravestone your mother selected
for you. There’s a lovely forest scene etched into it, and it reminds me
of that picnic we took for our last anniversary. That was a great day,
wasn’t it? The cancer was already growing inside you, already killing you,
but neither of us knew it yet. I’d give anything to go back to that place.
I’ll
leave this letter with you, and I’ll carry my regret home with
me. Hopefully that regret won’t tarnish the happy memories I have of our
time together. It would be a tragedy to lose those, too.
I’ll
always love you.
Sincerely
yours,
Natalie
Word Count: 913
FCA
