Friday, August 3, 2012

An Urgent Announcement

An Urgent Announcement

This is an urgent announcement.

A dimension-hopping fang beast of absurd size has been spotted on several worlds throughout the Federation.  Please note, if you are in any of the areas where sightings have been reported, we recommend that you remain indoors.  This will, of course, do you little good as a dimension-hopping creature isn’t likely to be hindered by a few walls.  Remaining indoors may, however, improve your mental outlook as you shield yourself with a false sense of security, keeping you in reasonably good spirits up until the moment of your imminent death.

For those of you in areas where sightings have not occurred, feel free to go about your daily activities as you see fit.  This is not to say we can guarantee your safety, because, as we have already established, a dimension-hopping fang beast can drop in pretty much anywhere it likes.  If anything, you should take comfort in the fact that you have thus far been unaffected by these incidents, and you should acknowledge there is nothing you can do to prevent anything from occurring in the future.  Any alteration in your routine would therefore be pointless and counterproductive.

To those we have cautioned to remain indoors: ignore that last statement and remain calm.

Most people who encounter a dimension-hopping fang beast are not fortunate enough to survive the experience, so few physical descriptions are available to us.  However, we have enough information to say that the beast is appropriately named.  Most dimension-hopping creatures of this type are bipedal and roughly the same size as an adult Tyrannosaurus Rex (or a Snorphadinglus for those of you unfamiliar with ancient Earth history).  The beast has four rows of serrated teeth and eight primary fangs that are approximately ten feet long.  Razor sharp talons on its feet can cut an average human in half.  We recommend against wearing body armor for protection.  Body armor only turns an instantly lethal blow into a drawn-out death.  Most people who were unfortunate enough to try this were eviscerated and spent their final moments trying to shove their intestines back in.

Once again, I would like to remind everyone not to panic.

The dimension-hopping fang beast itself isn’t the only peril you need to watch out for.  If by some remarkable conglomeration of circumstances you manage to be within visual range of the fang beast and not die, you also need to watch out for any rips in the space-time continuum.  As the beast jumps quickly in and out of our dimension, there is always a risk of accidentally falling through a gateway and out of our reality.

Should this happen to you, remain calm.

If you survive the dimensional shift and find yourself on a suitably solid surface, proceed quickly in any direction that leads you away from the rip.  The fang beast could very well be coming through immediately behind you.

Once you have gotten away from any immediate danger, you should promptly give up on all hope of ever getting home.  As rescue would be impossible, your only hope of returning would be to mount the beast and ride it until it jumps to a time and place remotely similar to the one you left.  Given the mortality rate associated with close proximity to the beast, we would strongly recommend against this.

Instead, we recommend you take stock of your new surroundings and get used to the idea of calling it home.  You may find yourself on an alien world, in which case exercise caution in sampling new foods and dealing with any indigenous population you may find. 

If by chance you have found yourself somewhere in the Federation at some point in the past, become a recluse.  Do your best to have no impact on the world whatsoever.  We don’t want anyone to screw up the timeline.  It might make for a mundane existence, but you can find solace in the fact you still have a pulse. 

If you’ve been transported to the the distant future, accept that you’ll probably never learn enough about the technology to become a productive member of society.  Try to become a rich person’s pet.  It may make for a demeaning life, but at least you’ll be comfortable and breathing.

Stay tuned for further updates on this growing crisis.

Film at 11.


7 comments:

  1. Haha I love this, especially all of the reminders to keep calm! Excellent :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL! This is hilarious! Love it! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I just felt an itch to write something funny this time around.

      Delete
  3. Haha, this makes me want to watch Kentucky Fried Chicken again..."Your popcorn has been pissed in....film at 11."

    This story was hilarious!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I have that movie on DVD. Classic!

      Delete
  4. "Try to become a rich person's pet." LOL! Actually, I wouldn't mind trying that *now*...;-)
    Some Dark Romantic

    ReplyDelete