The Weekend Philosopher: Identities Formed

Identities are tricky things.  Set yourself the task of telling someone who you are.  I dare you.  It isn't so easy.

In this scene from Babylon 5, a mysterious man named Sebastian asks Delenn who she is.  She gives her name, her title, a job description.  None of these answers are deemed acceptable.  While these answers may be useful for someone who needs to know about you, they don't truly touch on who we are.

In answering the question of who we are, it helps to consider all the factors that make us who we are.  When someone asks us the question "Who are you?" they usually want to know your name, or maybe the names of relatives or friends so they have some idea of how you fit in to the social fabric of the world.  They may say a lot about your background that helped to influence your development as a person, but no one can claim to know you through this information alone.  These things are not you.  After all, when someone steals your identity and uses it to spend your hard earned money, they haven't actually stolen who you are, though they may have influenced who you will become by impacting the way you trust people and interact with them.

I am of the opinion that part of who we are is a function of biology and the way our brains develop before we're even born.  This belief is enforced by having my own children.  I can say that my two boys started out with distinct personalities. Jude was the loud, high-maintenance child, and Lyle was the laid-back child. These character traits were visible from birth and inform the way they each react to given situations.  Some aspects of our person are an integral part of us and cannot be changed.

Even so, we learn from the environment in which we are raised.  Nurture plays as significant a role as nature.  That's why I get frustrated by the nature vs. nurture argument.  I think they work together and it would be silly to disregard one entirely in favor of the other.  

Our parents work to instill a given set of values in us.  Even parents who are abusive and neglectful instill values in their kids, though those values may ultimately be more harmful than anything else.  From a young age, we learn to trust authority (or not to), we learn how to interact with others, we learn not to steal or lie.  It's no accident that most people end up with the same religious beliefs and honoring the same traditions as their parents.  Our culture directs our growth and development in very real ways.  

This is why societal attitudes as a whole toward things like race and sexual orientation change rather slowly.  There is a distinctly generational way in which these perceptions change, because those who are raised with one set of values find it difficult to shake them, or may find it undesirable to do so.  To alter the way you look at the world is to, in some way, alter who you are in relation to the world.  This can be a distinctly uncomfortable proposition to face.


John Dewey said, "The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action."

Not only are we formed by the people around us, we are also formed by the choices we make.  When something goes wrong, we can choose to give up, or we can choose to look on the bright side.  We choose which career path to follow. Maybe we pursue a childhood passion that was ignited by an inspiring teacher. Maybe we follow in our parents' footsteps.  Or maybe we choose a path other than what our families want for us as a kind of rebellion.  Or maybe we choose a safe path, leaving behind the things we truly want to do.  We make these choices due to a multitude of factors we may not recognize.  Our choices have power, but they are not made in a vacuum.

To show you what I mean, say a child is raised in a family of criminals.  They have an unstable home life growing up and their parents are in and out of jail.  It might seem easy for them to assume the values of their parents and follow the same path.  But maybe they want something different.  Maybe they make the choice to have something different.  They may follow a different path, but their choice is influenced by the pain of their childhood.  Or maybe their personal disposition, which they've had their whole lives, makes them yearn for something different.

I like to say that we're in constant dialogue with our environment.  It speaks to us, and we respond with our actions.  We change our world, and we change it back.  Nothing remains exactly the same.

Sorting out the factors that make us who we are can be quite difficult and confusing.  How have the events and people in your life helped make you who you are today?  Which influence do you think is the most powerful in determining who a person becomes?

Lastly, I wanted to share this powerful video.  It's a little over twelve minutes long, but it's worth the time.  I was bullied as a kid, and though I try not to let that fact get me down, I can still feel the effects of it.  Remember, the way you treat others has the power to affect their reality in ways you may not imagine.  I would encourage people to be a positive factor in a person's life rather than a negative one.

Blogspiration 20: When Words Redefine You

Blogspiration is a weekly meme hosted by GrowingUp YA& Saz101. The meme was created to help spark inspiration among bloggers, readers & writers alike. An inspirational quote/picture/video is posted weekly, on the day of the author's choosing, so that it may inspire creativity, conversation & just a little SOMETHING.

I should start by apologizing for the extra long post this week.  That's what happens when you feel super inspired to write something.  Some topics simply need to be addressed.

When I saw the video below earlier this week, I immediately knew what the subject of my Blogspiration had to be. There was no question in my mind that I needed to address this issue using my own unique perspective.  However, I also recommend you read this blog post Ron Kemp wrote about why he thinks the bullying issue is persisting the way it is.  I think he makes some good points that are worth our consideration.

I admire Jennifer Livingston (the news anchor from the video) for her eloquence and professionalism in addressing this issue.  I must say that the email this man sent to her was more politely worded than most personal insults I've seen.  Some have defended the email for that reason, saying that it was a piece of constructive criticism that addresses a serious problem in this nation: obesity. And yes, I won't lie.  Health issues like obesity are an issue, and we need to educate ourselves on how to be healthy.  But being healthy isn't all about what size jeans we wear.  In writing this email, the man also failed to realize that health isn't only about how well your body functions.  Mental health is just as important to who we are and how we live our lives.  When people erode our self-confidence, that has a huge impact on our overall well-being.  We shouldn't let ourselves be defined by bullies, but judgment can come from all directions, and it can be difficult to fend off all the verbal assaults.  Remember, bullying is also a problem in this country, just as much as health issues are.  So many young people take their lives because they see no way out.  In sending his email, this man might have actually felt he was doing a public service, but even if he did, he ran afoul of another issue in the process.

October is national anti-bullying month.  Bullying is a huge problem in this country.  There's one thing I've noticed too.  People don't always grow out of it. In the midst of an impending presidential election, I see people on both sides railing on each other, slinging every hurtful name they can think of.  Political disagreement seems to be a good enough reason to tear your fellow man apart. It's like all these so-called adults are on the playground again, screaming because they want everything to be their way.  And the issue of bullying has come up numerous times in this political climate, with some arguing it's a huge problem, and others insisting that it's no big deal.  

I know the old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  I think a lot of people believe that only physical violence causes scars, but nothing can be further from the truth.  That's why this video meant so much to me.  This woman handled the situation beautifully, and in so doing, she proved to me that she is indeed a great role model for young viewers.  So many people don't address the people around them with a fraction of the poise and confidence that she does.  Why shouldn't such an intelligent woman be considered a good role model?



This next video shows Meghan Tonjes, another young woman who responds to being called fat.  I admire her spunk.  Her speech quite direct and to the point. The language isn't as clean since this is an internet video and not taken from a news broadcast, but I think it's worth a watch.  My favorite line from this video has to be this: "Why does it hurt you if I don't hate myself?"  Thank you, Meghan, for your words.

These responses from two proud and beautiful women are the way we should all respond to those who would try to tear us down.  Unfortunately, that isn't always the case.  Personal circumstances vary, and we don't honestly know how long is took them to get to a place in their lives where they can feel so confident in themselves.

Background Image courtesy of luigi diamanti @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It's true that the words of bullies can only redefine you if you let them, but I think too many people use this as an excuse to say hurtful things about whomever they want.  It's a way of dodging personal responsibility.  The truth of the matter is that words have tremendous power, especially when one's own sense of self has been systematically eroded.

A lot of the talk around bullying as of late has come down to freedom of speech and freedom of religion.  People say that they don't want those all important rights to be stifled.  Yes, these are important rights to that should be protected, but how do you balance those rights with the rights of the bullied?  I'll offer my take on this.  Whether you agree or disagree with what I have to say, this is an important conversation to have.

There are plenty of popular reasons to gate people these days.  When people take issue with the Muslim kid in class for his beliefs, it bothers me, though I won't try to say those people should not be allowed to speak at all about their feelings.  When I hear politicians say that kids should have a right to tell the gay kid in class that they are living a sinful life, I can both agree and disagree. Personally, I don't agree that being gay is sinful, but I know plenty of people genuinely do.  I respect your right to have an opinion and your right to voice it. Unfortunately, most of the taunts I've heard in my life have nothing to do with such sincerely held religious beliefs.  That tends to be the excuse people fall back on to justify behavior that is anything but holy.  Sending threatening messages on Facebook, and getting your group of friends together to shout slurs at someone, is not an exercise of religious freedom.  It's being a jerk.  Much like calling someone fat isn't typically an attempt to motivate them.  Let's be honest. People typically say it to be mean.

Using what I've learned over the years, I think I can answer Meghan's question: "Why does it hurt you if I don't hate myself?"  The answer isn't even all that complicated, though it's a question that all would-be bullies should ask themselves before they make the choice to demean others. In my experience, bullying stems mostly from personal insecurity.  By targeting others and making them feel small, they mask their own feelings of self-doubt.  And the effect is even stronger when the bully can recruit others to join in.  The bullied person is isolated from the rest, and the bully gains a sense of belonging.

Freedom of speech is so important, as I've said many times, but mutual respect is also crucial.  If we have the freedom to speak, we also have a corresponding responsibility for the words we put out there.  This does not mean we sacrifice our opinions.  It means that we look not just at our own interests, but the interests of others as well.  Everyone deserves to have a chance at living a happy life, regardless of how that life may differ from your own.

Just because you have the right to say something, that doesn't make it right for you to say it.

Now, none of us can avoid every little offense our words may trigger, nor should we.  It's impossible and exhausting.  We should simply remember how much it can hurt to be targeted in an aggressive way.  There are ways to express our feelings in a civilized and respectful way.  Having the freedom to speak doesn't mean we need to club the people we don't like over the head with our words.

Now, here's where I get real about myself.  I have a confession to make.  We all have those things that we bottle up inside, and if we're not careful, they can eat away at us.  It's safe to say that I was bullied as a child.  Much as I've tried to deny it, the emotional scars are still there.  I often find myself questioning whether I'm good enough.  I think I got involved in the Blogspiration meme just as much for self-inspiration as anyone else's.  Since I was little, there were always people telling me that I'm not good enough.

Growing up in a small town, there was no way to escape the reputation.  I hate to admit this, but as much as I loved my mother, and still do even though she's gone now, she had her problems.  Everyone I went to school with knew she was an alcoholic.  In fact, from elementary school all the way through high school, people made it a point to remind me of that fact.  As if I could have forgotten. Things got so bad for me that I felt like I had nowhere to go.  My mom's drinking greeted me at night when I came home from school, and the school day left me to dodge verbal assault after verbal assault.  I even got physically assaulted a couple of times.  That's why I kept my writing notebook with me everywhere I went.  It was my portable fantasy world. Whenever I needed a place to escape, all I had to do was open that notebook and create that new world.  The bullying helped shape who I am in positive ways. Yet, the demons that erode my self-confidence held on for the ride.  Even now, I find myself struggling with them.

Now, I can forgive my mom for her mistakes, because I know that she meant well.  Though she wasn't perfect, she gave me a lot of good things, like my sense of humor.  I choose to honor the good above the bad, because that's what makes me stronger.

I can even forgive my bullies, because I understand how easy it was for them to fall into that trap.  I even lashed out at people in a similar way, because I didn't want to be alone anymore.  So, I acknowledge the ways the bullying shaped me, and I want to toss out the bad effects that came from that too.  The problem is, it's easier said than done.

In writing this blog entry, I am attempting to make that choice now.  The doubts pull on me, threatening to hold me back from my dreams.  I am declaring here that I don't want to let them.  In sharing this, I want to tell those demons that they don't have any power over me.  I also want to share this with anyone who has been or is being bullied.  I know it hurts, and it can be devastating to you.

Bullying can even destroy your whole life if you hang on to it.  Even years after the bullies have disappeared from your life, the words remain.  Just remember, horrible as those words are, the power is ultimately in your hands.  No matter how hard it may be, you need to make the choice.  You can either let the words continue to define you, or you can take ownership over your life.  Let me stress this.  It's YOUR life, and you are worth the effort to live it well.

Background Image courtesy of Phaitoon @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Sister's Perspective on Bullying

I've said it many times: words have power, especially in the age of social media where those words can spread like fire for the whole world to see.  Now, I'm limited in my capacity to say how hurtful those words can be.  You can only learn how painful it is to be tormented by your peers through hearing personal stories like this one.  Here in my home state of Iowa, 14 year old freshman Kenneth Weishuhn told his community that he was gay.  His friends turned against him, and about a month later on April 14, he committed suicide.

Here is what his older sister Kayla had to say about her brother.




Think before you speak. Consider the fact that the person you're tearing down is a real, flesh-and-blood human being. They have feelings, and they need to feel loved just like anyone else.  And sometimes, when someone is surrounded by rejection from all sides, the love they still get from their family isn't enough to combat the pain.

People may say they didn't intend for things to go this far, but that doesn't change the fact that they did.  There are far too many stories like this one.  There's no longer any room for the excuse "Well, I didn't know it could end this way."  If you've ever read or seen the news, you know.  And believe me, caving in to the pressure to fit in right now won't drown out the regret you may feel later for hurting someone, even if it doesn't go as far as suicide.

Just think before you actively harm someone this way.  Say what you will, but know what can happen and ask "Is it worth this?"

This story, as well as the countless others like it, must remind us of what can go wrong.

Bullies and the Beaten Down

I just want to say this much.  I HATE it when people bully others who are different from them.  Whether it's due to race, economic background, sexual orientation, personal interests, or a child's inability to relate easily with others, tormenting people needlessly is a despicable act.  Young children and even adults can become overwhelmed with the negativity thrust upon them, and some of these people resort to suicide.  It's a serious problem.


On the one hand, I think legislation aimed at this problem may be a good thing, but when it comes to 1st Amendment rights, things get a little bit tricky.  The last thing in the world I want is for us as a nation to lose our ability to express ourselves freely.  That is part of what defines us as a people.  If we overly restrict our speech in the realm of electronic media, as many say AZ House Bill 2549 would, we all ultimately lose.  The bill would make it unlawful to  use language intended to "terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, annoy or offend."  Now, to be fair, the law does attempt to make it clear that the person issuing such speech must have intent to harass the target, and the target should have a reasonable fear for the safety of themselves or those close to them.  If you want to determine for yourself whether this is the case, here is one article that briefly addresses the concerns that have been raised.


Even so, is that enough?  Who judges?  We all know judgments can be flawed.  We're all human, and there are always those who will twist any situation to their benefit.  The democratic process is made possible by our freedom of speech.. We lose that, and we could lose everything else.


Legislation aimed at disarming bullies treads a thin line, and any line crossed to benefit one group can ultimately be turned against them as well.  If the 1st Amendment is violated, that impacts us all.  Such bills need to be very specific in their language and should undergo rigorous review before they are passed.  The public should have every opportunity to see such bills through their various stages of revision.  We are, after all, the ones who ultimately hold our legislators accountable for the work they do.


I believe schools have the right to regulate bullying through policies that address the unique situations of their district.  Students have a right to free speech, but the school should also remain free of tormenting behavior that adversely impacts the learning environment.  These policies are left to the school board and parents to decide.  We need to make it clear that harassment is not acceptable.  If people actively and consistently stand up for the bullied, we wouldn't need policy to begin with.  In our schools and in our towns, we can see the difference between off-handed comments or one time statements of opinion and bullying.  With laws, we leave the decision to someone who may not have seen all the facts.  In our lives, we will see the facts if we choose to look out for them.  When local policies cross a line or are clearly not doing enough to address a serious issue, then the government may step in, but in a limited capacity.


I know I've said this before, but what bullies need to understand is that hurtful words have a power they may not fully understand.  I have to believe that those who bullied people to the point of suicide didn't intend for things to go that far.  And for those bullies that genuinely hope to inflict real pain on others and enjoy it for their own sick benefit, the fruits of your actions will catch up to you.  And this is not a threat.  It is a statement of fact.  People will only tolerate the brutally hurtful for so long.  You have the right to say mean things to someone, of course, and that should remain the case.  However, that doesn't make what you're saying right.  You should know when you're crossing the line, you should understand there are consequences for that, and you should know what they are.  Before you say something, you should be willing to accept those consequences.  Words have staying power, especially in a world with the internet.  Don't claim ignorance when something you said is used against you.  This is a risk you take when you utilize your 1st Amendment rights.


Now, to briefly address another concern I've heard.  Some have said that bullying aimed at homosexual students in particular should not be regulated because it would infringe upon the religious liberties of those who believe homosexuality is wrong.  I must say this: there is a difference between expressing a deeply held belief in a civilized manner and being openly hateful to someone.  When you're harassing someone for something like sexual orientation, even when it does correspond with a deeply held belief, you can't convince me it isn't hateful to do so.  We need to learn to love people and be kind to one another, even when someone lives in a way that violates your own conscience.  Bullying them won't save them.  If anything, it will only make them feel more isolated and alone.  And in those instances, they may not even be able to turn to their own family.  Love and kindness should be the default position anyone takes.


So what do you do if you're bullied and feel like there's no way out?  First of all, you need to find someone you can talk to.  Even when there is no policy in place that can protect you, the best protection you can offer yourself is the support of others.  This can be family, friends, anyone who will listen.  And for those of you who can't find anyone you know to listen to you, you can turn to the online community.  Yes, cyber bullying is an epidemic problem with social media, but that same social media can be your ally is you know how to use it.  The story of a girl who used Reddit to stop cyber bullying shows how people can band together to stop this kind of behavior before someone gets hurt.  We can take our own power back. 


While I doubt anyone would want to talk to me, I want to make it clear that I am also willing to listen.  I've been bullied, so I understand the pain all too well.  It can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, but you don't need to be alone.  I'm putting this out there because I want to reach people with my point of view, and if I weren't willing to accept the consequences of that, I'd be a hypocrite.  Plus, I really do care.